Forgive me

I know how much I had hurt you. I had left you when you needed me the most and when you needed me more than anyone else. I can imagine the pain, trauma, turmoil and embarrassment you have / had gone through due to me. I hope things will heal with the time.

You had given me everything but, in return I had given you only pain and pain. I hope whatever happen to both of us is for our goodness only.

I hope you can understand me.

I bare my soul to ask forgiveness from you. If possible, forgive me even if it is too little and too late.

Happy, aren't I ?

Yesterday I went and met one of my brother-in-law's friend. His reaction on seeing me is that I have put lot of weights since we met last some 12 months ago. I replied "I'm happy that's why."

At this time last year, my weight was 56 kg and in less than a year now my weight is 68-70kg. I have gain from than 10 kg in a short span of 12 months. I think this is because I'm happy and free from many of personal and mental tensions compare to last year as I'm able to eat only when I happy or when there is nothing in my mind which is very difficult when I'm emotionally hurt.

Many of friends and cousins who are meeting me after a long gap are complimenting me. They said I'm looking much better now from before. They said they could hear the content when I laugh / speak or do something.

My problem with trichotillomania is more or less cure. It takes a lot of will and some innovative ideas to end up this habit. Mama is going to be really happy for this as she is someone who is keeping a track of this since I develop this habit. Thanks to blogger Arunima for her advice and concern.

Add to this, I can concentrate more in my work. I can now work in more organize, tension-free fashion like I'm hungry of something new.

My loneliness is now gone. I can sleep for hours like before like a log. No longer interested in calling someone / friend to kill my solitude. Now, I enjoy more of quite, peaceful and being alone many times.

Most importantly, the sense of guilt and suspicion feeling is now gone forever.

Now, I'm all over again finding myself. Perhaps, this are the all the indicators of being good and happy. Perhaps, the lost spark of life has come back to me again.

I'm happy, aren't I ?

My State Manipur - ceasing soon.

Manipur - a land of jewels / switzerland of India. This was what you'll find in many book about Manipur.

But, looking at the current scenario many will disagree.Manipur is traumatized by so many issues and problems.

The Gazza strip / War-torn Afganistan / Iraq may be better than Manipur now. Atleast they have the international attention and everyone is keeping a tab. But, Manipur is secluded and hard to find has made everyone including the GOI and national media lose it's interest.

• There are more than 39 militant groups fighting for sovereignty and other issues with no solution in sight. And, numerous broad daylight gangs.
• Wide-scale human right violation both by the militants and police / army which is swept under the carpet almost everyday.
• The State Government as well as opposition is known for corruption and it is rampant. Everywhere there is a percentage cut.
  
• There is killing everyday.
  
• The problem of Naga militancy is spilling over to Manipur with the demand of Greater Nagaland and illegal taxes in National Highway 39 which makes things very costly including the basic things. With no train connectivity things are worse when the Naga militants blocked the highway when their demands are not met which happens very frequently.
  
• Education has gone worst. The number of candidates appearing of High school exam has dropped by more than 40% in last 5 years.The colleges are empty and building of the schools are crumbling.
• Extortion and kidnapping is rampant.
• The drugs and AIDS problem is also hitting hard due to porous international border due to which drugs are available easily.
  
• More than half of the teenagers are addicted to some form of intoxications.
• Bandhs / strike / protest happen almost every alternate days. Working days in Manipur is less than 150 days in a year.
  
• The rich has become very riches and poor very poor. The divide is sharper now and very wide.
• No water, electricity, road in Many places including in the main city.
• and many more.
  

It won't be long before Manipur stands still and ceases everything.

But, the Central Government is a mute spectator including the national media. A human life in metro city is worth more than 10 lifes in Manipur. For them, what matter most is the so-called TRP.

In between all these things, the common man is hit hard the most. Things are very expensive and many times not available to buy in market. They have lose faith in the so-called Government. All they want is roti, kapra, makaan and peaceful existence. But, no one is hearing.

Look at the picture and you'll understand the hard facts of Manipur.



No Electricity, No Kerosene and candles are too expensive.
A mother helping her child preparing for her school exam in the light
from a burning firewood, in a village in Manipur

Tired !

From the last few days I have started house hunting. Calling up the agents, meeting them and following to the houses where they are taking me. Still I haven't finalize yet and I know it's far from it. Many times the rent is always over-shooting my budget and at this point of time when there is long line of expenses I want to bargain to last pie. I don't know how lucky I'm gonna to be. But, one thing is sure wherever I take the house my travel time across the traffics, jams and crowds are going to increase tremendously. Mentally, I'm exhausted of taking all the possible permutations and combinations and at the same time worried. The more houses I look the sense of getting alienated from Mumbai is getting more and more and all of sudden I want to jump to cheaper cities where I can afford a better life.

I have also applied for office quarters. I'm pinning my last possible hope on it. I spoke to HR almost everyday since the day I applied to find out the chances and possibility of getting it. I told them if you don't take care of hygiene issues then I'll take care of myself. The message which I delivered to them is clear and loud - "My days is numbered if continued this way."

Now, some good things.

• Last friday, the quality team had cleared my module which I was leading in conceptualizing and developing.
• The guitar teacher patted me for my progression and shifted me to single batch of myself only so that he can focus more. He said I'm almost through except for few things which he said will be OK in few days if I continue to practice more.

But, mentally I'm exhausted and want to go for a long sleep without anything in mind.

The few past weeks

It's been quite sometime I haven't written anything new to my blog. My life has become really busy since the past few weeks and moreover, my health is not keeping well since then also. Sometimes, oozing with full of energy and sometime down to zero level. Perhaps, the change of season from Summer to Winter is taking a bit of toll. And, I guess I'm started to have allergy from AC rooms. After every long meeting I always catch cold, cough and fever. Luckily that my cubicle's AC is tolerable by my body.

My Uncle who came here to Mumbai for his cancer check had left for home. The busy schedule started with his arrival. And in office at the same time, my module had been submitted to Quality team for testing. Every defects were expected to be fixed in day's time at worst. So trying to attend my uncle in home and defect in office was bit of stretching. Plus, my dad had given a long list of items to be bought and given to Uncle.

Things bought, Uncle left and Quality testing is heading for end. So, I breathe a little sigh of relief. But, suddenly my health have gone for a toss. Have taken sets of medicine and coming to office today.

In between my guitar practice and class have gone haywire.

Just after my uncle left my cousin came to Mumbai in the week-ending.Was really tied up packing things for him as he came for less than 30 hours or so. Finally, now he is on his way home to Manipur.

In between, I'm still feverish.

Perhaps, next week will be better week.